Saving Levia-6

Levia-6 was an Earth-like planet at the edge of United Galaxy space with a population of only 3.5 billion. Residents were primarily human, though a decent number of Kiergal expatriates also called the planet home. Levia-6’s primary industries were eco-tourism and food exports, the quaint kind of place that drew in eccentric middle-class tourists like flies. That particular nuisance had abandoned Levia-6 due to the pending arrival of a deadlier visitor: a swarm of encroaching space locusts.

“I thought we were working together on this, Mark!”

Mark directed the Invasive Inter-Planetary Pests (IIPP) team in the United Galaxy Government. Most of the time he was content in his job. Now was not one of those times.

“We sent you the budget. We asked for feedback. We’ve been operating in good faith. And then we receive this!”

‘This’ was the signed funding letter for Levia-6’s Defence against Space Locusts (DASL) Program that had finally been approved after a year-long delay that could primarily be attributed to negotiations with the Nk’tak* over their classification as an IPP.

“We’ve already taken on loans to cover costs because of the budget approval delay. Now we’ll be hard-pressed to pay off our debts, let alone the rest of the defence contract!”

“Sharon.” Mark interjected. “I understand your frustration, but we did indicate, multiple times, that the basic planetary defence package was our preferred option.”

“And I thought we’d agreed that the basic package was insufficient to our needs. Our modeling clearly shows that, with the basic package, the damage to Levia-6 would be unacceptable. It is too late now, though! The contractors have already begun implementation of the deluxe package. We’re obligated to pay them the full amount or they’ll back out.”

Mark felt a headache building behind his eyes and resisted the urge to knead his forehead. “Send us a revised budget and we’ll look it over.”

“The locusts will be here in six months, Mark!”

“I understand, Sharon, but you know I don’t have the authority to approve additional funds without consulting my superiors.”

As soon as the connection was cut, Balgor stood up to his full ten-foot height with a growl of frustration.

“Maybe if they’d been more forthcoming with their budget breakdown, we wouldn’t be in this mess. I asked them again and again to define all their line items, but they didn’t cooperate. Said the budget was ‘already approved’ by Bill.”

“They are at risk of being devoured by locusts, Balgor.”

“An honourable death, I say. More honourable than obfuscating their line items!”

All their phones binged simultaneously. K-8’s eyes lit up briefly as she processed the message, and then she groaned, her mechanical vocal cords sounding like an accordion. “Ah, bytes. She sent an e-mail to Bill. CC’d everyone she knows in the department.”

“Oh good.” Mark eyed the bottle of paracetamol on his desk. “What did she say?”

“It was not complimentary, sir.”

“She says she wants to work with us and then immediately goes over our heads.” Mark sighed. “Loci, please set up a meeting between Bill and me as soon as possible.”

Loci minimized her game of solitaire and opened the calendar, mandibles clacking. “The only slot Bill has free in the next month is 11:00 next Friday. Do you want to reschedule your meeting with the SDA**?”

“No, no, we can’t do that. It took forever to set up, they’d kill me. Just book something as soon as possible.”

“Okey-dokey.”

“Sorry to ask this of you Balgor, but could you start a draft decision briefing note recommending approval of the funding?

I’ll need to confirm with Bill, but we’re working to a tight timeline."

“Approve additional funding!? Then what was the point of all that prior analysis?”

“Balgor, I understand you’re frustrated, but please calm down. That’s just how government work goes sometimes. K-8, while Balgor works on that can you please start drafting a new funding letter.”

Time until Invasion: 20 weeks

“So, Mark, talk to me about Levia’s DASL program. Sharon… has expressed some concerns,” said Bill Bliggins, third Deputy Minister of Inter-Planetary Issues.

“Well, there have been some communication challenges. Fault to be found on both sides, honestly. They’ve never managed a planetary defence contract before, and my team is more used to research work. Also, their lead analyst is a MacBorg, so there’s tension between him and my team’s Windows K-8000.”

“Recommendation?”

“Flow them the extra budget. The confusion was partially our fault, and, you know, they’re about to be devoured by space locusts.”

“Sounds good. Preventing planets from being devoured by space locusts was a key campaign plank of the current Government, so I commend your political savvy. Have your team send me a briefing to approve additional funding by end of week.”

Time until Invasion: 18 weeks

“Mac.” K-8 said. “It’s been over a month. We need your revised budget request, stat!”

“It is coming, K-8. Perhaps if your reporting systems were more user friendly, we’d be able to get the data to you faster.”

“Your original budget was very user friendly. Too bad it lacked sufficient depth for meaningful analysis.”

“We delivered what was requested. It is not our error if a faulty input resulted in a faulty output.”

“Oh, go help a student with their art project!”

“You take that back!”

Time until Invasion: 16 weeks

“We finally received DASL’s revised budget request and breakdown.” Mark said. It was the regular monthly meeting of the government leads who were working with Levia-6 on the DASL program. “We’ve sent you all a draft copy of the briefing we’re preparing for Bill.”

Selid, Destroyer of Men and IIPP Finance Liaison, squinted through their small wire-rimmed sight-aid at their screen.

Their translator lit up as it converted the horrible clicking noises from their bulging throat into Galactic standard. “I apologize, I haven’t had time to properly review. Could you please summarize?”

Mark suppressed a sigh of irritation. “Certainly. To fund the deluxe defence package that DASL has procured, they have requested an additional three billion credits.”

“Is that all?” Selid literally rolled their eyes. “Have they finally aligned with our budget ritual requirements?”

“No.” K-8 interjected.

“They want three billion additional credits, and they can’t send us a proper budget?” Despite his training in inter-species communication, Mark could not help interpreting the next sound Selid made as decidedly flatulent. “We can’t possibly get their supplication approved in time.”

“Bill supports it coming out of end-of-year funding from Interplanetary’s budget.” Mark said.

The ripple of appendages was possibly meant to imitate a shrug. “Be it on your brainbox then.”

“There are a number of inaccuracies in the briefing,” BASG*** director Collins interjected, the only words he’d spoken the entire meeting. “You have the wrong model numbers for some of the procured armaments, and the wording could be clearer.”

“Balgor will forward you the draft in the approval system and you can make the corrections. Please review it quickly though; we are running out of time.”

Time Until Invasion: 14 weeks

“Rhhhaaaggg” Balgor roared, smashing his keyboard into pieces.

“What is the problem, workplace acquaintance Balgor?” K-8 asked.

Grumbling, Balgor, swept the shattered keyboard into a waiting receptacle and pulled a new one from the box beside his desk. “Collins still hasn’t approved the fucking briefing note. What is taking him so long?”

“Have you sent him a reminder?”

“Twice! The second I flagged as urgent! It is dishonourable to ignore urgently flagged e-mails! Now I don’t know what to do. I can’t move forward with the briefing until he’s reviewed it, but if I press him further, he will surely challenge me to a duel, and I do not want the blood of a superior on my hands. It looks bad on the resumé.”

“I do not believe humans duel over such matters. It should not be an issue, however. I have already drafted the funding letter and I’ve been shopping it around for edits outside the approval system. Once the briefing note is approved, the funding letter should take very little time to complete.”

Balgor sighed, slumping in his chair. “How are you always so calm, K-8?”

“I currently have emotional buffers shutting out all emotions except for my desire for external validation.”

“Hmph. That’s not an option for me. But you’re right; I cannot remember Collins ever having fought a duel.”

“Where are you going?”

“I am going to point out to him that the volume of my mouth is roughly that of a human skull.”

Time until Invasion: 10 weeks

“Executive asked me to remind you all that annual performance reviews are coming up, so please make sure that you fill out the forms with your annual goals and progress. You’ve all done excellent work this year. Now, let’s have status updates from the analysts. We’ll start with Balgor.”

“Yes Mark. I am nearly done my report on invasive fungi in the Qual region. We should discuss policy options in our one-on-one later. My big update is that Bill has finally signed off on the Levia-6 briefing, though I had to fight another team-lead in unarmed combat to secure the review slot from his secretary.”

“Excellent initiative. Make sure you add inter-team negotiation as one of your year goals if it’s not already.”

“Thank you, sir.” Balgor blushed bashfully.

“K-8?”

“My work is going smoothly. I completed a data scan this morning and have identified several potential threats we may want to investigate. There has been an increase in brain parasite symptoms in quadrants 12 through 18, and a disturbing number of accountants immigrating to quadrants 3 and 31. Also, I think Lector Bagj on the malicious malware committee might have been replaced by a cyborg. Finally, the funding letter for Levia-6 should be with Bill by end-of-day.”

“Great, keep up the good work. Let me know if either of you are having any issues. Anything to add Loci?”

Loci didn’t look up from her game of solitaire. “It was admin appreciation day last Thursday.”

“Ahh damn. Sorry Loci.”

Time until Invasion: 6 weeks

K-8 and Balgor both stared at the BASG analyst in horror.

“Your deputy wants a full review of the locust threat before he’ll sign off?” Balgor whispered. “Why?”

Anthony ripped off a large piece of the leaf he was holding in his upper four limbs and chewed contentedly for a moment. “Government policy to prevent piracy and attempted coups. The deputy of defence requests audits of a certain number of military and military-adjacent projects every year.”

“But the planet will be invaded by locusts in six weeks!”

Anthony raised his top arms playactingly while a lower pair reached for a plump peach. “I’m just the messenger. I can share examples of past audits. Honestly, it’s a bit of a rubber stamp exercise, but we’ve got to follow procedure!”

* * * * *

“Agggg.” Mark hissed as K-8 and Balgor presented the new obstacle. “Ok. What is your assessment of past audits K-8?”

“They’re significant pieces of work, but I think we can turn something around in a few weeks.”

“Ok. Both of you drop all other work and focus on this. Let’s have it finished in two weeks if we can. I’ll approve overtime if you need it; just make sure you keep track. I don’t want to end up on the Union’s blacklist like your last director did. I still find bits of him around my office sometimes.”

Time until Invasion: 4 weeks

For two weeks K-8 and Balgor worked around the clock, eight to nine hours a day, five days a week. They even put in some weekend hours. Finally, they were finished. Both watched anxiously as Mark scrolled through the document.

Mark gave an approving nod as he finished. “Excellent work you two. I do think the wording can be tidied up in a few places, and I have a few other small pieces of feedback, but you’re almost there. It should only take another day or two.”

Time until Invasion: 3 weeks

“And… sent.” Balgor said with a relieved sigh. “It’s with the deputy now. Literally nothing else we can do.”

He held out his fist and K-8 shook it happily. “Now we can catch up on all the other work we’ve been neglecting!” She said enthusiastically.

Time until Invasion: 1 week

“And sending you your funding letter… now.” Mark said, tapping the button firmly.

Sharon stared tiredly at the defence contractor who was standing in her office. “Satisfied?”

He nodded. “Our soldiers will return to the planet’s surface immediately.”

Time Until Invasion: 0 weeks

The IIPP team sat and watched the invasion on the holo-screen. Spotlights lit up the enormous swarms of space faring insects as they spilled out of the warp-fissure. Lights flashed on the planet’s surface, and warheads streaked into the approaching horde, creating towering pillars of smoke as they left the atmosphere.

“Government work always feels so remote.” Balgor sighed as countless locusts were vaporised in a shower of viscera. “That’s the real work, on the front lines dealing with the public and shooting space locusts.”

“Hey now, Balgor.” Mark said. Thousands of the beasts that had made it through the initial bombardment were descending towards the planet, each roughly the size of an elephant. Their carapaces glowed red and blue from the heat of entry. “The work we do is important. You may not be on the front lines, but you’re all heroes to me.”

His phone beeped. He picked it up, then sighed. “We’ve got a rush-urgent. A news reporter published an article about the plague of accountants in quadrant 3 and the third Deputy Minister wants a briefing by COP. Everyone back to work.”

___________________________________________________________________________

*To be fair to the classification committee, the Nk’tak are sentient leeches.

**Sentient Disease Alliance

***Big Ass Space Guns